Revelation in the Rain

Okay, so it wasn't the rain. It was my shower. But hey, I was still getting wet, so I guess it still counts.

So, I was in the shower, just taking a shower. And when I was lathering my hair with my green apple-scented shampoo, I started thinking about grace. It is Easter, after all, and Jesus did die today (or somewhere around this day) two thousand years ago (give or take some years) to save me and everyone who ever lived from sin and Death. And the best things always come to me when I'm either in the shower or right when I'm about to fall asleep.

Anyway, as I washed my hair and thought about grace, I couldn't help but also think about the way I think. My mindset on how I receive things has always been this: I do something, and then someone gives me something in return. I always feel that when someone gives something to me, that I'm obligated to doing or giving something to or for them in return. That's how it's always been for me. And I'm pretty sure that's how my mind will always work, too.

That's where the grace part came in. God gave me grace. I didn't do anything to receive that, to deserve that. It was a gift––a gift that is impossible to pay back. Even if I were to completely devote my entire life to Him and live like John the Baptist, I could never really pay it back. That's why it's a gift. Because you can't pay it back.

When I was little, my mom's friend gave me some clothes. Even then, I felt obligated to pay her back, so I wrote her a letter and put some of my allowance money into it. When my mom found the letter (before I was able to deliver it), she said, "No, you're not supposed to pay her back! It's a gift!"

Not supposed to pay her back? Then what was I supposed to do?

"You're supposed to say 'Thank you.'"

I blinked at my mother when she said that. I had just assumed that paying her back would express my appreciation. I had and have always shown my appreciation and love towards people through my actions, not my words. I'm not one for talking; anyone who knows me can vouch. Doing something to pay them back was the only way I knew how to say "Thank you."

That's it? Just say "Thank you"?

Words never meant much to me. They don't really mean much to me now either. I don't know. I guess being lied to so many times makes you a little distrusting. So whenever I looked for love or appreciation, I looked for it in people's actions. Whatever they did in return, that's how much they appreciated or loved that person or what they did.

Grace is a gift, one that I thank God for everyday––or at least try to. I can't pay Him back for that grace, as I have mentioned before. I never can. But living for Him is a start, right?