"God," I breathed out, trying to regain my composure. "Why did I do that?"
I logged out of Wikipedia and turned off the computer. I felt sick to my stomach as I made my way to my temporary bedroom in Ludwig and Gilbert's home (in which Kiku, Feliciano, and Lovino were also staying). For reasons that even escape me, I decided to look up facts about World War 2 at one in the morning. That wasn't what was making me sick, though. No, it was the things having to do with Nazi concentration camps (mostly Auschwitz) and Japanese biological warfare projects (primarily involving Unit 731). Reading some of the things that went on, finding stories of some of the cases, seeing the picturesI couldn't help but try to put myself there. That was when I couldn't take it anymore. I had to get off the site. I had to get away from it all as soon as possible.
I staggered up the staircase to my room and shut the door quickly behind me, sliding down to the floor. The sickness was getting worse, and I could feel a crawling sensation going up my throat. "Just calm down, _____," I said to myself. "Calm down. Calm down. Calm down. Calm down."
But to no avail.
I pushed myself up and wobbled into the adjacent bathroom, hovering my head above the toilet. I arrived just in time to fall to my knees and empty my stomach. I made a little smirk similar to Gilbert's. "Poor Feli's gonna be upset when he finds out I threw up his pasta." I backed away from the toilet and leaned against the wall, catching my breath. "I really did like that pasta, too."
I woke up a few hours later6:00 AM, to be precisestill on the bathroom floor.
I looked around in a daze. Why am I in here? I thought. Then all the memories of the night before came flooding in, and I felt sick again. Oh, yeah. That's why.
I got up and decided to get dressed and prepare for the day, all the while still feeling sick. The disgusting things that I saw filled my mind the entire time. I tried blocking them out, but it never worked. I sighed as I pulled on my pants. "Why did I do that?"
When I finished dressing, I headed down the stairs and into the kitchen, hoping to find something to eat (and hopefully get my mind off of things). I walked in to find Ludwig at the stove making something.
He must've heard me come in, because he turned around to face me. "_____," he said with raised eyebrows. "What are you doing up? You aren't usually up this early."
"Yeah, well." I took a seat in one of the chairs at the dinner table nearby. "It happens sometimes."
He looked at me, concerned. "Are you alright? You don't look well."
"Hm?" I glanced at him, then nodded. "Yeah. I'm fine." I looked over at the boiling pot on the stove. "What are you making?"
He looked as well. "Wurst," he replied simply.
I nodded slowly. Neither of us had anything to say, so we just remained quiet. I laid my head down on the table, numbly eyeing Ludwig as he cooked.
Maybe I should just tell him, I thought. He did seem concerned a second ago.
I sighed and stood up, stepping over to where Ludwig was. "Ludwig?" I said quietly.
He turned to me. "Ja?"
I didn't really know what to say. I wasn't used to talking about my feelings or anything else personal. It always seemed too invasive on my part to do so, which I couldn't stand.
"What is it?" he asked.
I stayed quiet, looking blankly at the floor. Slowly, I reached out my hand and grabbed the sleeve of his shirt.
Ludwig was confused to say the least, but his concern returned and grew. "_____, are you sure you're alright?"
I didn't answer. In fact, I was saved by Kiku entering the kitchen, saying, "Ohayou."
"Guten morgen, Kiku," said Ludwig, taking his eyes off me only for a split-second to look at Kiku.
"Morning," I said numbly, not looking at him.
The concern that was on Ludwig's face now became visible on Kiku's. "_____-san, are you alright?"
"That's what I've been trying to figure out," said Ludwig. He gently placed his big hands on my shoulders and lowered his head, forcing me to look him in the eye. "_____," he said softly, worry and a hint of impatience evident in his voice. "Something is wrong with you. What is it? What's the matter?"
Memories pierced my brain at that instant. The sick and crawling feelings returned. My eyes widened in fear. Tears even started to well up in my eyes. The two men noticed, and tried to sit me down in a chair. I had a firm, white-knuckle grip on both men's sleeves, making sure they wouldn't go anywhere.
"_____-san," said Kiku.
"What's the matter?" asked Ludwig again.
I started to breathe heavily, tears now leaving my eyes and falling down my face. I couldn't take it anymore. I had to get it out. I forced myself to gain some composure first, slowing my breathing and wiping my tear-stained face on my sleeves (I refused to let go of the two).
"Um. . ." I croaked. "I, um . . . I went on the internet last night . . . Don't ask me why, I don't even know, but, um . . . I looked up some stuff on World War Two . . . especially concentration camps . . . and Unit 731. . ."
Kiku and Ludwig looked surprised, but simply nodded, telling me to go on.
"The things I read and saw were really explicit. . ." I looked them both in the eyes. "Really explicit," I said with a solemn face, wanting them to know just how bad it was. I was going to say more, but my throat closed up and prevented me from letting another word out. I only looked down and shook my head.
The two men sighed and looked at each other. "_____-san," said Kiku. "We apologize."
Ludwig gingerly put his hand on my arm. "I don't think we can help you with this. All we can say is that it happened a long time ago und hopefully we will all learn from our mistakes." He smiled gently at me. "Wasn't it you who told me that no matter what happens in life, you always stand up, dust your shoulders off, und keep moving forward?"
I calmed down more and nodded. "Getting over this is gonna take a while. But I'm glad I have you guys." I smiled at the two men, then impulsively wrapped my arms around their necks, pulling them into a hug.
The two seemed very flustered at this and tried to pry me off, but I just held on tighter. "Stop that," I said to them. "I need this. And it wouldn't hurt for you to hug me back."
Hesitantly, they hugged me backwell, rather they just patted me on the back. After a moment, I sighed contently. "I love you guys. Don't ever change."